Promised Land Old Fashioned Egg Nog
This is splendid stuff. I reckon there are about four kinds of people who buy Promised Land products, and they're mix-and-matchable. I'd say I resemble about two, maybe three.

(Should I continue? I ask because my neighbour, who is generally completely silent is jamming out on the one day of the year when I am so completely sweating deadlines that I'm losing inches just thinking. Don't let the movie and nog reviews fool ya. They're just to keep me from running away to the nearest airport offering continuing service to MCO. So, shall I continue? Okay.)

Right, so, uh... yes, four people. Or maybe four attracting factors. Yes, that's better. The Four Attracting Factors of Promised Land products! (Wait, a tall, polite man with a nice smile and a big bottle of wine just came to my door. Ah, for the neighbour. I asked that they turn things down a teense. And so they have. Well done. I suddenly suspect that it's not the neighbour but rather the neighbour's relations while the neighbour works a night shift. Fine, I can think again, that's all that matters. Damn, that also means less milktalk and more work. But let's finish what we started.)

These Four Attracting Factors are as follows: (Thank you Dr. Schnebly for teaching me that it is the very spirit of evil to use a colon after such an incomplete sentence as "Blah Blahs are.")

  • The all-natural ingredients and lack of artificial hormones.
  • The glass bottles which look like a Martha Stewart project-in-waiting.
  • The Bible verses on the label, sort of like a Doc Bonner Pure Castile Calcium Drink.
  • The taste.

There are only two downsides to buying PL: the 1995-make-the-secretary-learn-HTML website and the cringey price. ($3 for a quart of milk?! Subtitle: 真tres dolares por la leche del chupacabra?!) The first is a completely pointless nit-pick since finding that someone us using "Claris Home Page 2.0" to build a website is almost touching in a hokey sense. (Plus it takes the blame off the creator... whereas when I make a b'ugly site I have to wear the collar of shame alone). As for the price, I'm sure they charge what they must. (In which case the website becomes a reassuring testimony to how much profit they aren't making.)

I'm going speedily to Hell for the last paragraph, so let's contemplate the Bible verse on my Nog here. Isaiah 11:6. Isaiah, always one of those sure-names to roll off the tongue if trying to fake a scripture. It takes some nerve to chance an Isaiah over, say, the more agreeable Matthew or just-sounds-right Job, but the results will be better if you can pull it off.

Okay, not hoeing my road to Hell any slower.

Isaiah 11:6 is the one about all the animals lying down together, or maybe it's another one because it doesn't specifically say lion-lies-down-with-lamb. Maybe that's not from the Bible? Maybe it's a paraphrase? Maybe that's part of all the lion/lamb March weatherspeak? My aunt will know and send email to set me straight. Now that I know she peeks in here now and again I can start setting bait to get messages.

What I didn't know is that the leopard will lie down with the goat. I had to check and see if there was any goat's milk involved in my tasty egg nog.

Nope, not a drop. (Nor a drop of bourbon, but that's all right.) Skim milk, cream, sugar, corn syrup, water, dextrose, guar gum, carrageenan, natural flavo(u)rs, nutmeg, annatto, turmeric colo(u)r, and soy lecithin.

Annatto? What is that?

Epicurious says, "A derivative of ACHIOTE SEED, commercial annatto paste and powder is used to color butter, margarine, cheese and smoked fish." Achiote seed is defined as "The slightly musky-flavored seed of the annatto tree is available whole or ground in East Indian, Spanish and Latin American markets. Buy whole seeds when they're a rusty red color; brown seeds are old and flavorless. Achiote seed is also called ANNATTO which, in its paste and powder form, is used in the United States to color butter, margarine, cheese and smoked fish." (Seems a bit recursive, no?)

All I can tell you is that it's tasty. Not too sugary, not too thin-milk-with-hint-of-nutmeg, not too creamy-means-convincing. You can drink more than one glass in an evening. You can even drink a whole quart.

Not that I would know anything about that.

10 December 2002 |

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