The Loretta Lynn Dump Cake (for Ray Charles)

I am going to share with you the recipe for the best cake in the world.

I'm not even doing the post-modern Dickensian thing and writing Best Cake in the World because the capitals simply go without saying. This is the best cake in the world. If you make it, you won't need anyone to shout it.

But first.

I would have sworn that I already posted this recipe at some point along the way but apparently not. Apparently no such moment of weakness/generosity has washed over me until now. (We ask ourselves, "What Would Ray Charles Do?")

Because, I'll tell you, frankly, I don't want some of you knowing about this cake.

You know who you are.

Seriously.

There is at least one person I know who checks this blog now and again and he or she happens to LOVE this cake. This person is a (keep it together, Shari, keep it together) Very Bad Person.

They know who they are.

They don't deserve to finally know how to make this cake.

May they choke on it and have to go to the hospital and have to have surgery (some choking-related surgery usually only discussed in exotic medical journals) and live many, many years paying off the hospital debt as life embroiders them a sampler that reads "What Goes Around, Comes Around."

But anyway! Now for some yummy cake!

So, right, you see that I've titled this post "Loretta Lynn Dump Cake." It's called that because my Mom called it that back when she first made it. And then one day soon after she was talking to my grandmother about her (my grandmother's) recipe for this wonderful cake and how good it was and my grandmother said "Huh?"

Because it turns out that my grandmother had never heard of it, and my grandmother isn't one to misremember stuff. Neither grandmother is, actually. Always very clear-thinking people, the both of them.

So, think, Mom, think. Where did this cake come from?

Okay. Mom thinks. Now the story is that the recipe came from some Great Chefs or similar cooking program. And the Loretta Lynn angle? "I think she was on the show, or maybe they just said that she likes this cake" Mom says.

As for the "dump cake" part -- search me -- there is some "dumping," but isn't there always with cakes? Otherwise, all "dump cakes" in the known universe seem to involve a can of cherries and yellow cake mix. I will promise you that this recipe contains neither.

Truthfully, Mom has had reasonably strong memories of things that never happened since even before the official diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Never anything that would lead to talk show appearances or anything, but she can quote dialogue and everything from situations that simply never happened. Multiple perspectives of a single incident is one thing -- like with traffic accidents -- but this is something else. It's always smallish stuff, and it has become worse over the years.

It makes me wonder two things: maybe she doesn't really have Alzheimer's but some weird synapse-failure/stroke-related situation (can they really tell from a CAT scan that a person has "never had a stroke" -- Mom has certainly had the symptoms), or maybe she does have Alzheimer's and the warning signs have been there for a long time.

But anyway! Now for some yummy cake!

So, I've established that we have no proper genealogy for this cake, but tradition dictates that we call it, always, the "Loretta Lynn Dump Cake" (or "the best cake in the world").

With all of Mom's memory problems, I knew I had to be sure and write the cake directions down because, you know. So, I surely did that, then I surely misplaced the card where I did that. I mean, I've seen the directions in the past week, but now I'm paranoid that I threw them out in the cleaning spree.

That's okay. I have a shortened version of the recipe that I emailed to someone once. It's just the same, but with fewer adjectives. I can fix that.

If you're wondering where the pictures are for this recipe, there won't be any. I can't make this cake. If I make this cake, I will eat cake all weekend. Then I will make the cake again on Monday. I will call in sick to stand over the pan and eat this cake all afternoon.

I have known people to drive two hours because they hoped that maybe there would be a piece of the cake left from a party the night before.

Everyone who tries this cake loves it. People cannot stop themselves from scooping up seconds. Ten minutes later the first piece. And twenty minutes later, a third go-around nearly always occurs.

I'm going to stop selling you on the idea of this cake now. You'll make it, or you won't. I just want you to understand that my sharing this cake recipe is proof that I believe in the fundamental good in humanity. This recipe will fall into unworthy hands, but global happiness is more important.

I mean, this is the one dessert I can do that is guaranteed to be a hit and make up for not only all of my cooking shortcomings but every skill in life I lack. And I'm just giving it away.

I am totally going to heaven and Ray Charles is totally going to have a song ready about a good-hearted woman who was done wrong by one cake abuser but who kept her faith and a whole village was raised up in chocolate song.

Now! Now for some yummy cake!

Ingredients

• your favourite chocolate cake mix, just so long as it isn't one of the extra-moist varieties
• what, you don't think the best cake in the world can come from a mix? you're wrong! so wrong!
• fine, bake a chocolate cake from any recipe you like; honestly, it doesn't matter
• can of condensed milk
• no, I have no idea what size -- the ordinary size, I guess
• jar of some kind of caramel sauce
• I mean, not the kind that forms a stupid hard shell or anything
• yeah, fine, make your own caramel sauce if you want -- again, it's really not important
• tub of Cool Whip
• no substitutions -- there's nothing in the world quite like the aerosol cream-like chemical process that is Cool Whip
• a bunch of Nestlé Crunch bars

I know how prefab and processed this sounds. Try not to think about it. There's a reason people in this country are addicted to fatty foods that are bad for you, and this cake is going to appeal to all of those urges in you and more. Best cake in the world, remember? It's worth a shot.

So, make your cake in the usual way, and when it's hot from the oven, use the cylindrical end of a large wooden spoon to poke holes in the cake.

Oh, I should mention that I'd recommend the cake be baked in a 9x12 glass pan.

And, the holes should be poked in neat columns and rows, let's say about an inch and a half apart. Maybe an inch. Maybe two inches. Maybe an inch and a half.

Holes poked? Pour the can of condensed milk all over the cake.

Pour the jar of caramel sauce all over the cake.

Spread a liberal layer of Cool Whip all over the cake.

While your cake was baking, you should have pounded the Nestlé Crunch bars into half-inch or less (or maybe a bit more) pieces. Now sprinkle those on top.

DON'T EAT THE CAKE!

If you must, if you really must, go ahead and have some, but it's not fair to judge your creation at this stage. It has not become the best cake in the world yet. Here, it's just a recipe for instant diabetic keelover.

Put the cake in the refrigerator.

Now you must leave that cake in there for as long as you can stand. Ideally, this means overnight. At least. But, if you're pressed for a choc fix, at least let it get nice and cold.

But, again, it really is a "this gets amazing after a day in the fridge" recipe.

And that's it. That is the very best cake in the world. Like so many precious artifacts, one would not expect to find such a powerful recipe in the hands of a kitchen simpleton such as myself, but I have come forth with the treasure.

Now the world is forever changed. Or, if not the world, then your weekend, if you're smart (and want to be really, really popular with the rest of your household).

Eat! Enjoy!

Comments

[Shari]

Aha! I've since discovered that this is, indeed, Mrs. Lynn's recipe and comes from one of her cookbooks, but it is actually called a "Gooey Cake." Also, she uses German chocolate cake mix and Heath bars instead of any old chocolate and Nestle Crunch.

So, the pressing question before us is whether the real version is *even better*, or is Mom's method one of those amazing accidents of fate?

Let's find out...

I JUST WANT THE RECEPIE

[Shari]

You're welcome.

[Noreen Patrickson]

This sounds like a "to die-for cake"!!!
Thank you!!!

[Noreen Patrickson]

This recipe sounds like "to die for"!! Thanks!

[Eve]

This sounds like my dbl lemon cake,,,which I will now happily share....I make a regualr lemon cake,,poke holes in it...pour a can of condensed milk over all to which you have added the juice of two lemons and two egg yolks.....now bake it for about 20 minutes. Refrigerate. It will be amazing int he morning.
I am going to take this one and yours to our fourth of Julyl Karoke family gathering. LOL...they will be so hyper,,,we should get some good singing out of this....we do fifties with all the doo wah...

Visit me at:
http://travelingonfumes.blogspot.com/

[Babbi Jordan]

Thank you so much for the recipe! When I was younger, a lady who lived me when I was married, use to make this cake for me when I was sad.

We would sit down and drink coffee and eat cake until we were both ill.

I have been looking for this recipe ever since I moved away. Now I am going to make it as cheers to her kindness and friendship.

Thank you again for making my day!
Babs