Before we return to Rhyolite, we must interrupt this narrative with the latest news:
MEN IN BLACK PAYBACK!
Walked out this morning to a "Warning!" notice from the security guy taped to the windshield. My first thought, and Mike's too, was that someone else got a notice and stuck it on our car. And by "someone else," I mean all of those people who come to visit friends and park in the residents' parking spots. The ones who never get notices since the old management left, just gentle reminders in the newsletter, but whatever. Or maybe the people who park in the fire lane, who get a polite sticker saying, "Hey, don't do that. Kthxbai." Those someones elses.
But no, it was for us. I was cited for having a flat tire. "Flat tire?" says I. "Hey, it is flat," says Mike. Well, I'll be.
I checked the spare - shiny and fully inflated, yay. But where's the jack? Hm. Really, where is it? I remember it well. It was wrapped in a plastic KMart bag... with jumper cables. Hey, where are the jumper cables?
Dude. I think my jack was jacked... by the Men in Black!
By the spare was a can of Fix-a-Flat. I don't even remember buying this, but I pat myself on the back for being so prepared. Pat pat pat. I rock.
Okay, Fix-a-Flat it would have to be, then over to whatever store is open on the holiday. Sears, perhaps. That's where I got a new battery on Memorial Day once. I know F-a-F makes tire dealers cry, but you have to work with what you have.
Mike rigged it up; the tire successfully lifted off the rim, so we jumped in the car to drive the recommended 2-4 miles to equalize the pressure. We were so Batman and Robin, with swift tandem car entry, seat belts left swaying so we could go-go-GO!
Click.
?
Click?
...
Click.
:(
Pop?
Pop!
Click!---...
.
In other words, the car was dead.
I called AAA, and I don't even want to get into that. The cable checks and fluid checks and so forth listed on their website as part of the battery check service aren't necessarily what you get from the independent contractor who just wants to tow your car. (Nice as the man was, he didn't want to look under the hood or change the tire. I wish we'd just asked for a regular agent and not someone who could also tow, if necessary.)
And the nice AAA woman who said the service guy would know which approved repair places were open today? No, he didn't know. He reckoned that everything was closed. (I doubt it, per Sears comment above, but it wasn't worth trying to find out while he waited.)
However, he was very nice and put down the call as "No Service" - so the visit won't count against the four calls you're allowed per year.
The place I like to take my car (a dealership, because I'm a sucker and don't know anyone who knows someone who knows cars, but they seem very honest) is closed today, and they're closed on Sundays, so I'll just wait until Monday to get it towed there. It's about eight miles further than the five miles of towing allowed with AAA, but, when you have a place you like, that's where you go, right?
Meanwhile, if anyone reading this knows about cars and wants to speculate on a possible diagnosis, here's the skinny:
- Ford Focus ZX3, 2001, oil recently changed, fluids and tires checked, all warranty work up to date
- No issues while driving, idling, turning, whatever, UNTIL...
- On our way home yesterday, just as we hit Las Vegas and were in a traffic jam on the freeway, the car started losing power JUST like you do when running out of gas. However, we had 3/4 of a tank left.
- Managed to pull off the interstate and to a traffic light, where the car promptly flashed most of its dashboard lights and died.
- Sat there for around 10 minutes. I talked about how I'd kept an eye on the temperature gauge for the whole trip and it never ran hot. I also rarely went above 60mph during the trip, no matter what the speed limit was, and I slowed down on inclines. (In other words, the engine stayed pretty steady in its revs.)
- Turned on the engine, and the car started right up.
- Drove the remaining 15ish miles home on surface streets without a problem. (We did leave the AC off, just in case. It was 111 out. Nice. God.)
- Hung around the house for about an hour.
- Went out for Chinese food and smoothies (and to test the car) a few miles away. Used the AC this time. The car ran without a problem, same-old same-old. Hmm. Was it just bad gas?
- This morning, the car simply wouldn't come on. Mike checked a little for loose cables or irregularities. Tried again and got the AC and a few lights for a second. Tried again and got nothing again.
- Someone, who was not the AAA guy (because, remember, he provided "no service"), tried to give it a jump. Alas, it was pronounced "completely dead."
If you have any neat car hacks I can try, please holler! But, I think it's pretty obvious what the problem is. Right?
The problem, if you haven't figured it out, is that we got too close to Area 51. I know, I'm spoiling the end of the story in the middle, but I have to say it. It was the government! No, wait. It was The Government!
Mike's theory is that the security detail ("cammo dude") on the hill next to the gate shot a time-release "flattener" into our tire. (He probably had the plates run before we were five feet away from the Black Mailbox, so he knew just how strong a dose to deliver.) I have built on Mike's theory to include a "disruptor ray" that sucks the electricity out of the car once the flattener is deployed.
This is probably alien technology, and frankly, I'm a little surprised that they're willing to test it on citizens. You'd think that, within five minutes of running the plates, they would've found the blog. And if they found the blog, then they know I can do a decent job of replicating dip. And if I can replicate dip, then I can start making my own "flatteners" with "disruptor rays." And believe me, as a freshman teacher, I have the motivation.
Perhaps they consider the risks worth it to send a message. I think the message is, "Get out, and don't come back. And let the blogosphere know the same goes double for them."
Maybe there's also a postscript: "Oh, and we didn't take your jack, you dork. Have you even seen it since leaving Texas?"
I'd be more cross about all of this, except I'm just so glad it happened here, at home, and not any place else we were for the past 48 hours. (I'm trying to imagine being stuck in Rachel for the three-day weekend. I think I'd rather buy a new car.) Thanks, cammo dudes, for your sensitivity.
Also, as much as part of me wants to say, "See? See? This is what happens when you take a road trip!", I think it was worth it. I would never want to give up my happy memories of driving with Mike along the Extraterrestrial Highway, reliving this:
(That's going to require more explanation. Later.)
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