Shari.com: From A to Liza with a Z

There shall be some very poor video in this post. Gird your eardrums.

Because leaving the house is good, despite any campaigns being run by the flaming sun and the vibrating car, we set off to Primm around fiveish to see Liza Minnelli.

Because it was very windy and I'm feeling like the car needs a little TLC soon, we drove 55-60 mph in the far right lane on I-15 the whole way. I'm proud to say that only a few people rode right up on the bumper then passed us with inches to spare. I guess I can see how that's going to make me drive more to their liking. Especially the way they also don't indicate. It really sends the important message that I deserve to die for going 10 miles under the maximum speed limit.

Am I the only person who remembers the energy crisis of the 70s? When everyone was advised to drive a little slower, save a little gas? For a community that likes to voice concern over gas prices, it's sure a different story out on the road.

Mike wanted to check the tire pressure and check under the hood, just to put me at ease (he doesn't feel this vibration that's bugging me), so we stopped in Jean on the way. Countless times down this road back and forth to Disney, and it's the first time we ever stopped in Jean. Alas, Nevada Landing was torn up about four months ago. The sign remains:

You can still see it on Google, for now.

I don't know what's going to replace it. Maybe they're following the current Las Vegas trend? You know, "Implode your popular casino, start an ambitious condo/resort/casino project, stop due to the economy, enjoy the lack of any income from the property at all." In the past week or two, construction on Echelon Place (recently the Stardust) and the Plaza (recently the Frontier) has been halted for at least a year. Nice. Way to have your funding sorted out before destroying the sure-and-beloved thing, guys.

(Let's not even get into how there is already a major casino downtown called the Plaza. Supersized entitlement issues much?)

The car seemed okay, so we drove (or putted, if you were doing 80 in the "slower traffic keep right" lane) the 12 extra miles to Primm. On the way, I spied a plucky little ant traversing the dashboard. Mike grabbed a tissue and smashed it - no, wait, that's just what I assumed he did. Instead, we parked at Primm Valley Casino and he tenderly released it under a tree.

Aww.

(The black square is to protect you from seeing how Mike trims his nails.)

Then we went into the casino and I remembered - oh - the arena is actually over at Buffalo Bill's across the street. Oops. So we drove over there and got one of the five last parking spots. Valet was full.

So was the casino. Jeezy wheezy. Lines into the slot zones for every restaurant, people clogging the aisles like Crystal Gayle's drain. There were even people riding the Desperado.

Which I will never do again. Prayer should be a more peaceful event.

We decided to zip back over to Primm Valley Resort on the monorail then walk to the Outlet Mall. It's my only hope for getting all of those discontinued "Pure Simplicity" Bath and Body Works products. (See, I try to be a girlie girl, and the industry just laughs. I guess soap and water is good enough for my kind. Sniff.)

The monorail was full of people there for the Liza show, and it sounded like everyone had a free ticket. Demographic? White couples in their sixties, talking about McCain, with about half of the women dressed up a little because clearly they'd never been to the Star of the Desert arena before.

We had a brief friendship with a couple that'd just eaten at Miss Ashley's Buffet. And by "friendship," I mean shared rant. Don't eat at the Primm buffets. There's a perfectly good Chevron station selling plastic-wrapped sandwiches in the parking lot. Live it up a little - you're in Primm! - and go there instead.

I guess Primm is determined to give us a twang of bad service on every visit, because as soon as the monorail (finally) started moving, the driver announced that this was the last service until 7:30. He was (according the security guard dealing with the angry mob that formed later) going on his lunch break.

Problem 1: Don't announce that this is the last monorail trip after everyone is trapped inside.

Problem 2: Don't take your lunch break at a time that's going to make it hard to get back to Buffalo Bill's in time for the 8 p.m. show. (Monorail lines can get long.)

People were mad. It's not a bad walk from PVR to BB, but it's August in Nevada. And again, most of these people are a little older than your average athlete. Luckily there is a bus shuttle, if you find the one poster advertising it. (One monorail employee actually told us there was no bus between resorts, but it's 2008 and we knew better than to just get one opinion.)

We were more boggled than angry, but we decided to go to the Outlet Mall anyway. It was too busy to eat or play, and we had an hour to kill.

The Bonnie and Clyde Death Car (and assorted artifacts) usually at PVR is out on tour, although there aren't any signs up advertising this. Right now that space is being used to show off the bird cages for this "lucky parrot" promotion they have going. Sign up with their slot club, get a free picture taken with an exotic parrot. ($10 for everyone else, $5 for current slot club members.) Except, strangely, at 6:30 on a tremendously busy Saturday, the birds were nowhere to be seen. Oh well.

Bath and Body Works only had the cheaper, fragrance-heavy stuff. Oh well.

The Williams-Sonoma outlet failed to produce the pressure cooker Mike thinks we need to own. (Only an eternal optimist such as Mike would fail to see the funny in suggesting our household needs another pressure cooker. Oh, I know, I need to stop being bitter. It's going to be a GREAT year. Statistics are with me.) I was briefly excited by their magnetic spice jars, until I saw the $22 sticker. (At an outlet store?) However, this was available for $32 (on sale), and Mike really wanted it (and has wanted one for a long time), so now I feel bad for thinking it was too much hass to carry back.

The bus lines were crazy, so we took the working monorail across the highway to Whiskey Pete's. Only got a glimpse, but you can tell it's the older property. They have a car full of bullet holes once owned by Al Capone, so we ended up getting our vehicular Mafia fix after all.

This was the smart move, as we got on the bus right away, unlike the long line of people in the PVR parking lot still waiting to go to Buffalo Bill's.

Finally back to BB's, now even more busy, we stood in line for a couple of fresh lemonades from the pizza joint in the food court. Pretty nice! Huge cups, too.

Once inside the arena, we took our seats in the very back row of the arena. It soon became clear who had free seats, as these two back rows filled up quickly and thickly, rimming a large gap of empty rows of unsold seats. Allow me to demonstrate:

Once everyone was seated, we fell into that last category, along with a dozen seniors that I was totally going to rat out if we were busted. (We weren't. Let's face it - our way looks better, and Miss Liza deserves that.)

Finally, on to Liza!

First, let me say that I have nothing but respect for this woman. I don't think I'll ever find it easy to have a light laugh at her expense (I'm looking at you, Craig Ferguson) again. I don't know who is currently claiming to be the hardest working performer in show biz, but I'd like to see them go a round against Liza Minnelli.

All that said, the show didn't start at its best. It could be the sound system at Star of the Desert (I remember that REO Speedwagon sounded muddy/tinny there), but she also wasn't hitting and holding all of the notes. And the ones she did get, I had no clue what she was saying. I admit it; I leaned over to Mike and said, "Kenny. Boomhauer. Liza Minnelli." (Again, it could've been the audio system.)

But by the end of the first few songs, it was clear that this gal is a powerhouse of indefatigable spirit, and I was charmed. It was like watching your favourite kooky aunt tipple a little too much at Thanksgiving, put on the 78s, and make you get up and swing dance on the rug. (And imagine that this aunt dances better than you do and looks prettier doing it.)

It's a compliment to the show that I enjoyed every bit of it (even the parts where it was a little like watching a decent private school recital), and I really only know two Liza Minnelli songs. That's right - I've never seen more than Joel Grey's opening number in the film of Cabaret. I can talk about Sally Bowles with the knowledgeable air of someone who reads and listens, but I'm a fraud. I don't know squat about the real deal.

Mike, however, is quite fond of the movie. He can even reminisce about it. This is how I found out that in seventh grade he was in something called Cataret, something his teacher (the same one who taught them square dancing) fused together out of Cats and Cabaret. I guess they sang "Wilkommen" while wearing tails?

"Did you dance?" I asked. "I don't remember" he says. Ha. We know what that means.

For the zillionth time, our pocket camera takes the worst video. Nothing I'm going to show you from it is remotely focused or very still. Sorry! But, I'm still fond of it. Here's a couple of tiny clips mashed together from "Cabaret":

I don't know what Liza Minnelli is like in real life, but her stage persona is nothing but enthusiasm and kindness. Zero ego, zero diva. Here's a cute moment from late in the show when she was setting up her microphone:

(It's not very clear, but she starts with a joke that she could do this sedated. A little reference to her many pre-rehab stints.)

So, when I mention that for a significant part of the evening she was (clearly and audibly) having a lot of trouble breathing, I'm mentioning it out of concern, because her dynamite wasn't fizzled by it one bit.

Around the middle, the show really picked up. Mike and I agreed we were both genuinely entertained from this point on, and not just pleasantly sitting in the presence of an icon. This is when Liza started talking about her godmother, Kay Thompson.

Kay Thompson was, apparently, one of the neatest people of the 20th century. She was a performer, the MGM vocal coach and arranger during the musical heyday, and - goodness - she wrote the Eloise books. And it's clear that Liza loved her very much.

So, part of the show was a tribute to Kay's frisky nightclub act with the Williams brothers. As in, Andy Williams. I always confuse him with Andy Griffith, but of course I know "Moon River." Duh.

And one of my favourite Simpsons episodes is in season 7 when Bart and the gang go to Knoxville, thinking the World's Fair is still there. They pass through Branson and Nelson Muntz turns out to be a Andy Williams fanboy, so they have stop. Next shot - Nelson weeping in the front row. (This is one of the show's most endearing moments.)

Liza got her own Williams Brothers backing group together and it looked like they were really having fun:

(Once more, you'll have to take my word for it.)

Her voice was good and warmed up by now, and the fireworks were flying.

There were several times when it seemed the show was about to end and groups of people left. (Then ended up standing at the rails when they realized there was even more coming. To Liza's credit, she never did the lame fake encore thing that so many acts are still serving up.) Mike asked me at one point if I wanted to leave and avoid the rush, but I knew the show wasn't going to end without...

Someday I will tell all about dancing to this song with my friend Jen in a 10th grade recital, but I don't want to cheapen the moment. (That's why I won't even point out the obvious again, about how the little camera doesn't record in high definition Cinemascope.)

Just before this she did a whizzbang version of Jolson's "Mammy," in memory of her mother's recent birthday, and just after, she closed the show with "I'll Be Seeing You." Lovely.

The drive home wasn't bad. Primm visitors should note that there is NO direct freeway access from the Buffalo Bill parking lot. The road that looks just like a frontage road? You will get a ways down it before the signs appear saying "ROUGH ROAD" and "NO FREEWAY ACCESS." And then the road ends. The asphalt has a steep dropoff, so practice those six-point turns if you decide to chance it anyway.

I like "singers and standards," but they're not really an experience I seek out on a regular day. So, what a surprise that Mike and I both had a great time. I just can't say enough good things about Liza Minnelli's sense of showmanship. You see someone like her, and it's like waking up to how low the bar now sits in the music industry. She has range and power, but she doesn't waste it turning notes into glorified scales. She loves her audience without sop or distraction. She tells anecdotes with such glee that it doesn't matter if you know who "Fossey" is or not, her happy memories are infectious.

And, wow, she still has great legs, too! (One of the first things she said was that she just lost 44 pounds on Jenny Craig... then she sang a cute number about the greatest woman she knows, "Sara Lee.") I wish I'd gotten a shot of her in blouse, tights, and her knee-high boots, but I guess I was too busy watching the show.

Thank you, Liza. It was a treat. You're the real deal.

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