This is Not a Picture of a Salad

My current idea of a perfect salad

• Romaine lettuce with a little iceberg for crunch (and also because admitting to liking iceberg is such a social faux pas these days)
• Diced onion, not strips
• Diced tomato with no pulpy bits
• Black olives cut into any size (Must be black! Death to the kalamata!)
• Croutons, any kind
• Three Cheese Italian dressing from Fresh & Easy (I'm planning to try their Lime Cilantro soon.)

Photographs I've taken but will probably never get around to posting

• Mutual blackmail shots a co-worker and I took with our camphones. Place: a stoplight. Time: during contract hours. (In case my supervisor is reading, I did come in an hour early that day. Just like every day.)
• Various "almost got it!" photos of JANET aircraft flying in from the northwest. Bonus Vegas Tip that no one seems to have mentioned: if you're a planespotter, try the parking lot of the new Whole Foods on the Strip. The planes practically ruffle your hair as they fly over. I'm not sure how the traffic compares to the ubiquitous westbound flights, but every time I go to WF it's an aerofest. And yes, JANETs, too.
• Camshot through a rainy window of the new Terry Fator sign that has replaced the Danny Gans sign at the Mirage. (Speaking of ubiquitous...) Oh, the beautiful rain. Sure, it made for terrible morning traffic ("What is this wet?" the desert drivers wondered. "Ought we to slow down to 90?"), but that meant a detour for me where I drove up the Strip instead. No traffic, peacefully dark clouds, the casinos still lit up... nice.
• Cake wrecks from Vonn's that may or may not be wrecks. Possibly I'm just very judgemental.

  (I have to explain why we were at Vonn's, a place I don't shop at because they never have enough staff, plus they don't offer a discount card that will fit on your keychain. See, after getting all of the Thanksgiving shopping done well in advance, I found these two Mexican watermelon sodas in my car. Yeah, that's what my car is like - you can actually dig for treasure. Actually, I bought them on sale at a ghetto Albertsons on the way to work while getting some stuff for the kids' projects. I put them in the back seat so I'd remember to bring them in.

  Later I thought, "hey, didn't I buy some watermelon soda?" Because, if you know anything about me, I love Coca Cola's Smart Watermelon soda, aka Fanta, from China, which you can only get at one of their attractions. Or in China. So, finding this Jarritos watermelon soda was a banner moment. All of our grocery stores sell Jarritos, but this was the first time I saw a watermelon flavour. Very "OMG!"

  So, later I remembered the soda, and I looked in the trunk, but it wasn't there; how confusing. I was so sure I'd bought it. I glanced in the back of the car. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I went ahead and told Mike that I'd done this crazy thing of seeing some watermelon soda and apparently not buying it, even though it really seemed like I did, but I totally should buy some next time.

  ONE MONTH LATER, I'm looking under the passenger seat for some reason and - ha HA! - watermelon soda. I'm still crazy and forgetful, but at least I'm not imagining shopping trips where the most interesting thing I buy is a bottle of Jarritos.

  We drank the soda on Thanksgiving Eve. YUMTASTICO! And that's why we drove to four grocery stores that night looking for more. Yes, on Thanksgiving Eve. Yes, even Wal-Mart. That's how good it is. Alas, we didn't find any of the watermelon variety - "tamarind" is apparently the go-to Jarritos drink here in the yuppie sector. The quest is unfinished but not abandoned!)

My current idea of a perfect pasta salad

Despite the name dropping, we don't shop at Whole Foods that often. They don't sell any staples we can't get at F&E or Trader Joe's, so it's more of a "dining out" expense when we go there. They're good for sodas (Virgil's Black Cherry Cream), sea salt loaf soap (I've yet to buy it, but it raises my happiness score up just to stand there and sniff it), samosas, cheese plate-y cheese, and... hand to chest lest I faint - an incredibly delicious Smoked Mozzarella Pasta Salad.

It's tangy, it's smoky, it's spicy. Oh, how I love it. Oh, how I want to reverse-engineer it. Oh, how I'm too lazy to do that (so far), but at $8/lb, I think I should learn.

These are the ingredients, in the order they appear on the label:

• Penne
• Smoked mozzarella (cut into 3/4" cubes)
• Spinach (hardly noticeable to me, scoffer of spinachy things)
• Roasted red pepper (roasted by Zeus' own thunderbolts, if you ask me)
• Parmesan
• Parsley
• Mayonnaise (ingredients listed as canola oil, eggs, apple cider vinegar, water, egg yolks, lemon concentrate, sea salt, spices)
• White wine vinegar
• Garlic
• Cayenne
• Salt and Pepper

In addition to perfect seasoning proportions (it has such a pleasantly mild but unignorable kick!), I think the right mayo is essential. No Miracle Whip here. I'm wondering if the Whole Foods deli uses its store brand of mayonnaise. Let the record show that the next WF Indulgence Trip (only 14 working days until Christmas Break!) must include a block of smoked mozzarella and a jar of WF mayo. Then, in the two-week cushion of "ahh, this is why I'm a teacher," the experimenting can begin... and there shall be photos.